Did you know that you dispose of a mindset that can help you to act rather than to react?… The key to safety and sensible energy expenditure is the mindset, “Interesting!”, that horses use to connect with their surroundings and with situations that occur in their surroundings.  Being prey animals, horses take good care of their energy: they do what is needed, when it is needed and in the dosage that is needed. If in nature they were to flee every time they saw a predator, they would waste a lot of energy. After all, not all predators hunt every day. Before they act, horses explore (“Interesting!”) what action is required.

For people, the mindset, “Interesting!” is an antidote to reacting automatically from their ‘layer’ of judgements, interpretations, emotions, assumptions, and scenarios.

The mindset of, “Interesting!” helps you to think, “That is different” instead of, “That is right or wrong”? Can you imagine what difference this would make?

I regularly post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and on www.connective-clarity.org ) . I am curious to find out what your reflections are, to what actions this might inspire you. Do you join in?

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #actinsteadofreact #themindsetInteresting

There are many analogies between what horses need naturally and a solution focused approach. What’s more, long before I experienced Solution Focus in action, horses had taught me the core aspects of it.

In this article, I want to highlight some of these core elements to show the added value of working with horses in solution focused coaching.

Mindset

It starts with how I approach horses with a solution focused mindset. I do not start from a relationship based on control (‘you have to obey’) nor on conditioning (training the horse). I start from one in which I put authentic communication first. This authentic communication presupposes open curiosity to get to know the horse and a willingness to find out what this horse needs for me to become meaningful in this moment.

You can translate this authentic communication directly into the relationship that you as a solution focused coach have with the coachee; you do not want to tell the coachee what you think he/she should do. You also do not want to ‘train’ the coachee in a particular behaviour. You want to become meaningful to the coachee out of your genuine interest and full attention for what he/she needs in this moment.

When handling horses, you can directly link the following critical aspects to solution focused coaching:

Attention

A crucial characteristic of horses is alertness. It is an essential leadership quality for them to scan the environment actively, to check whether it is safe. When they are alert they:

• Have an overview
• Sense opportunities
• Estimate what is the most accurate thing to do

That makes alertness a critical characteristic of a solution focused coach, too.

When you give  360° attention, it is a solution focused action. It moves you from a focus on the problem and makes you aware of the fact that there are always other options, even if you do not see them (yet). The solution focused question, “What else?” is a perfect tool to achieve this.

Direction

Horses live a nomadic life in the wild and always travel to more or less the same grass areas. After all, there is a high chance that there will be good grass and herbs where they previously found them. These grass areas are not a goal; they are a destination. If on the way a route they once took is blocked, they will find an alternative route on their ‘radar’ (sweeping their attention through 360°) and take it. A detour is nothing but an alternative path.

Horses always go towards somewhere, not away from it. They may run away in a first flight reflex, but they immediately start to look for the best escape route. They do not run away blindly.

That also counts when you coach with a solution focus. When a coachee comes to you, he/she might be in a flight reflex and know very well to where he/she does not want to return. If the coachee does not have a direction, he/might react out of a layer of emotions, judgements, interpretations, assumptions, scenarios and get stuck.

As a solution focused coach, you help the coachee to find where he/she does want to go and to understand that this desired future is not a goal they must achieve. Instead, it is a direction, a ‘dot on the horizon’ that a coachee chooses to put energy into reaching and for which they feel enthusiasm. The route there will most likely not be a straight line, and that is entirely OK; even in solution focused coaching, a detour is nothing but an alternative path. The destination might even change during the journey, and that is also OK. The point is to help the coachee to continuously choose a direction, to make the choices that feel right for him/her. When the coachee finds a desired future, a destination, he/she will probably find out what is needed to get there and will start to take small steps.

Power

Horses are big and robust creatures, and they use their power in the form of clarity. It is about functional, ‘unencumbered’ clarity that leads to connection. It is not about making the other horses less powerful. Amongst horses, there are no bosses who claim and defend their position. Amongst horses, it is about being a leader, about becoming meaningful by using (and testing) qualities in an unmistakably clear way.

As a solution focused coach, you do not want to be the omniscient expert who pretends to know all the answers and steers someone to given solutions. Instead, you help the coachee to

• See (other) options
• Define a specific direction

You do that by generating a kind of clarity that leads to connection. To do that you ask powerful solution focused questions. These connect you and the coachee and connect the coachee and his/her answers to these questions. As a coach, you become a leader in the conversation, not a boss.

Thoroughness

As mentioned before, alertness is a natural characteristic of horses: they always have their attention 360°. They don’t do this from a stance of ‘make sure nothing goes wrong’ (i.e. problem focused). They do this out of ‘staying alert, observing to be able to do what is needed’ (i.e. solution focused). This stance is not cautious, nor reckless; this is thorough.

Thoroughness is a mindset that makes a difference:

• It starts from factual observation instead of fear
• It makes you look at opportunities
• It invites you to take constructive action

Also, in solution focused coaching, you do not communicate cautiously (beat around the bush), nor recklessly (bluntly intervene). You communicate thoroughly. You listen ‘with strong ears’ to hear qualities, resources and positive exceptions that may help the coachee find and take small steps.

Resilience

And what do you do when a conversation turns into a ‘difficult’ conversation? Where you seem to get stuck? Where obstacles arise? Even then, as a solution focused coach you do what horses do.

How do horses deal with obstacles? First of all, for them it is not about obstacles. There is no right or wrong. For horses everything is useful information. In that respect, obstacles are mere circumstances. With an open mindset of, “Interesting!”, horses explore situations factually to be able to act accurately.

That mindset is precisely what you use as a solution focused coach. With an open mindset of, “Interesting!” you embrace everything that happens, in a non-judgemental way; everything is useful information. That feeds trust and generates resilience for the coach and the coachee.

Just like horses do, you deal with circumstances in a solution focused way:

• Horses always have a direction, literally (where they go) as well as in a broader sense (to survive).
  • As a solution focused coach, you help people to find a desired future, as a guideline.
• To reach their destination, they look for opportunities, and they do what works.
  • As a solution focused coach, you listen to hear what is already working, qualities and positive exceptions.
• Testing and being tested provides crucial information in a reality in which it is of utmost importance to utilize every opportunity that can help you survive.
  • As a solution focused coach, there is no right or wrong. Underneath the layer of emotions, judgements, interpretations, assumptions and scenarios, everything is useful information to help the coachee find small steps to take in the direction of his/her desired future.

Final consideration

Horse assisted coaching has exceptional added value because you bring the solution focus approach into the experience. It shows Solution Focus in its deepest core: not (only) as a method, but as an undeniable part of nature; of our nature.

Wendy Van den Bulck

Author of “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” and of “Verbindende Duidelijkheid. Als paarden je uitnodigen tot authentiek, oplossingsgericht leiderschap”

“A full-time job as a self-employed coach, nine horses, the maintenance of your domain: how did you manage that in recent years? Where did you get the energy?”. People have asked me questions like these regularly since my husband died six years ago.

As an answer to these questions, I’m sharing my solution focused action formula:

• Step 1: If something is bothering you, turn it into a wish
• Step 2: Make that wish so powerful that it becomes a desire
• Step 3: Translate that desire into a decision
• Step 4: Make your decisions come true: take action, in small steps

My life is in a satisfying new flow now, and my formula remains a steady factor.

Step 1: From burden to wish

One of the most challenging questions to be answered when something is bothering you, is the solution focused question, “What do you want?”. At least, it is difficult for many people to answer it.

My horse Djohar is a master in making people aware of how helpful it is to have a clear answer to that question. Djohar can show rather pushy behaviour, and this often irritates the person who is walking with him. When I ask this person, “What do you want?”, the first reaction often captures this person’s irritation, “He is pushy, it is annoying”. That is not an answer to my question, so I repeat it, “What do you want?” An answer I often hear then is, “I do not want him this close”. That answer also doesn’t bring us any further. What exactly is meant by, ‘Not this close’? Knowing what you do not want can be helpful as a preparation, not as a message. After all, you can only head for something you do want, can’t you?

I can best describe the step ‘from burden to wish’ as entering an address in your (figurative) GPS. When you are lost, a GPS is a beneficial device. However, it only works if you enter an address. If you don’t, your GPS just shows you where you are. And an address has to be specific: “the beach” does not work as an address, nor does “not to Paris”. A GPS needs you to be precise: street, number, place. The more specific you can be about the address, the more chance that you will get there.

It is precisely the same regarding the step ‘from burden to wish’. A specific answer to the question, “What do you want?” is an important first step. And often the most difficult one.

Step 2: From wish to desire

Step 1 helps you to look beyond what is bothering you; it does not necessarily lead towards taking action, though. After all, a wish often remains hypothetical. It is usually an ‘I should…’ conversation that takes place mainly in your head.

“There’s too much rubbish in the shed; I should take it to the waste disposal site.”

“When my colleague uses my materials, he hardly ever brings it back spontaneously. I always have to remind him. I should have a conversation with him about that.”

Do you recognize this?

The key to action is in step 2. If you start exploring your wish in a solution focused way, the wish can become so powerful that it turns into a desire.

“If you take the rubbish to the waste deposit site; if you have that conversation with your colleague, what difference will it make? For you? For the other(s)? For your business?”

Answering these kinds of solution focused questions sparks the willingness to take action from your initiative, instead of from the feeling that you finally must do something about it.

That is where action starts.

Step 3: From desire to decision

Step 3 is a logical consequence of step 2. When you answer the solution focused questions mentioned in the previous step, you realize that what you long for can bring you, the other(s), your business,… so many benefits. This knowledge can create a desire so strong that you turn it into a decision: “I will just do it!”

“I will take the rubbish to the waste deposit site.”

“I will plan the conversation with my colleague.”

Now the action has started: you know what you want, you see the added value of it, and you have the willingness to realize it.

Step 4: From decision to action, in small steps

In step 1, you entered a specific address in your GPS.

In step 2, you realized that you want to head for that destination because you see the benefits it will bring you, and possibly others.

In step 3, you started your engine.

In step 4, you start driving, in small steps. After all, in every moment there are many things to take into account: the behaviour of other road users, traffic jams, road works, you are tired or hungry. Or you drive through beautiful places that make you pause your journey to enjoy them. You might even decide to change your destination and enter a new address in your GPS.

That is how I live

I know what I want. I feel the desire and the drive to achieve that because it makes me feel meaningful. And I do what is needed, taking into account the changing circumstances of every moment.

It is not always fun nor comfortable. Is it the same for you? After all, it requires you to take responsibility; it is up to you to:

• translate what is bothering you into a wish;
• turn that wish into a desire;
• make that desire so strong that it becomes a decision;

And it is up to you to realize that decision, in small steps.

It always takes you somewhere you want to be instead of leading you away from what is bothering you. And apparently, that works.

That is how I work

I also use my solution focused action formula in my work as a solution focused coach and trainer. An example is the case of Iris. In the space of two weeks, she turned a long-lasting irritation into a mind shift that resulted in her taking small steps towards a sustainable solution, as I outline below:

Iris is bothered by the behaviour of some of her colleague-doctors who keep asking her to have telephone calls with patients because they say they don’t have the time to do so themselves. These requests have a significant impact on Iris’ agenda. She would like the doctors to make these calls themselves again, but she keeps on doing the calls for them. Her close colleague decided that he wasn’t going to do the phone calls anymore. He was so convinced of his decision that he made a clear communication about the issue to the doctors. Soon the doctors did not even ask him to do the calls. Iris – who got stuck in the ‘burden – wish phase’ (step 1), kept on receiving requests to make the calls.

Step 2 (the solution focused exploration of the wish to empower it) led to a switch. Iris realized and felt what benefits it would bring her if she no longer had to make the phone calls.

Step 3 (from desire to decision) came easily. Her mindset had made the switch from “Could I do this?” to “This is what I need” and within two weeks she took the first steps towards agreeing on arrangements with all the doctors (step 4).

So…

Hold the steering wheel firmly! Train yourself to find great destinations as alternatives for everything that bothers you, believe in them, take steps to get there and be amazed at yourself.

Use the solution focused action formula, and it can help you to achieve much, thanks to – and not in spite of – everything that happens to you.

Wendy Van den Bulck

Author of:

Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership

Verbindende Duidelijkheid. Als paarden je uitnodigen tot authentiek, oplossingsgericht leiderschap

In this exceptional time, people often appeal to us to have PATIENCE. Working with horses and my concept of Connective Clarity has taught me two kinds of patience: ‘patience out of hoping’ and ‘patience out of knowing’. That distinction goes hand in hand with the difference between ‘What do I want?’ and ‘What is needed?’.

Patience out of hoping creates a dependency on external elements and encourages passivity. “I hope I won’t get sick”; “I hope this will be over soon”.

I experienced the counter-productivity of this kind of patience when our giant gelding Monte was first with us. We adopted him when he was four years old. Until then, he had been living in a nature reserve with a few other horses and some cows. Monte was not used to having contact with people, and during those first weeks, he was difficult to approach. At times his behaviour was dangerous; he threatened to kick and bite. In my first attempts to approach him, I tended to be cautious. Out of that caution, I became rather passive and hoped that one day I could approach him.

That did not work. I noticed that Monte became more insecure, and so did I. To establish contact with this insecure giant took clarity, thoroughness and small steps. I stopped trying to approach him; I started to approach him in (literal) small steps – as big as I dared to take. Out of this thoroughness and the small steps, I knew that one day I would be able to approach him. And that day came sooner than I had expected.

What led to this switch? I turned ‘patience out of hoping’ into ‘patience out of knowing’; from thoroughness in the ‘here and now’ which led me towards taking action. That is what I did with my fear of approaching Monte, and that is how I deal with coronavirus:

• “If I adhere to the safety measures, I increase the chance that I will stay healthy”;
• “It looks like the current situation will last longer, what do I need to make (and keep) it feasible so that I can deal with it?”

It puts me at the steering wheel of the ship that is my life (again). It keeps me (pro-)active. It makes me resilient.

How do you make this switch?:

• By having clarity on the distinction between ‘What do I want?’ and ‘What is needed?’
• To make important choices from what is needed not from what you want.

I want to go to my mother to give her a big hug. I want to gather with friends for a glass of wine. My neighbour is in a gloomy mood; I want to take her to the cinema so that she has an enjoyable evening. However, that is not what is needed right now.

What is needed is that I give my mother a virtual hug on skype. What is needed is that we organize zoom-dinners. What is needed is that I take my neighbour for a short walk, taking into account social distancing.

When reality doesn’t live up to what you want, you still have to do what is needed. Only then can you have patience out of knowing that things will be all right again. Whatever that might mean.

When do you already have patience out of knowing by dealing thoroughly with the ‘here and now’? What can you do (even) more?

How clear is the difference between ‘What do I want’ and ‘What is needed’ for you? What helps you to do what you need to do, even though that might be different from what you want to do? What can you do (even) more?

As from now, I will again regularly post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and www.connective-clarity.org).

I am curious to find out what your reflections are, what actions this might inspire you. Would you like to share these?

Wendy Van den Bulck

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #patience #patienceoutofknowing #doingwhatisneeded #smallsteps  #thoroughness

Mourning is something very intimate. It resides in our deepest emotions, and when something affects that process, it cuts deep into our souls.

The current crisis causes painful ordeals:

• A friend who can only visit her dying father in the nursing home, for less than half an hour twice a day.
• A funeral ceremony that only fifteen people can attend.
• Appointments with the funeral director, which you can book only online.
• A comforting hug is currently banned because of social distancing …

How to mourn in these times?

In short, I see two different ways to mourn:

• Problem focused mourning (your emotions direct you)
• Solution focused mourning (you direct your emotions).

In an extreme form, problem-focused mourning focuses attention on the sadness; you (often unconsciously) grieve in such a way that it feels as if it determines your life. This form of grieving is analogous to an analysis paralysis that can arise from problem focused thinking, i.e.  you go so deeply into the analysis of a problem that you become caught in it:

• “What is wrong?”
• “Where did it go wrong?”
• “Why did you do it that way?”
• “Who else was involved?

When you confront great sorrow, you will almost automatically end up in this kind of grief first. There is pain, and looking forward might cause you fear or bring uncertainty. In such moments you could become very susceptible to the impact of circumstances, like now in this coronavirus crisis. The real-life examples you read at the beginning of this article, cut like a knife when they occur to you.

Problem focused mourning is logical. And a pitfall at the same time. After all, circumstances happen all the time. Also in non-corona times:

• Funeral directors give their guidelines for ceremonies, and there may be significant mutual differences.
• Different undertakers may have moments when they are available.
• Palliative units may differ in what they allow family members to do.
• Not everyone likes to be comforted with a hug.

However, the moment they restrict us – as they do now – circumstances often feel so damned insurmountable and unfair.

What is needed then?

Stop. Stand still for a while, take a breath and land in the current moment.

The current moment is the tipping point between problem focused and solution focused mourning, the point on which you can make a choice. Do you let your emotions steer you? Or do you become their helmsman?

Solution focused mourning doesn’t bring you deep into your sorrow, it brings your sorrow into the ‘here and now’ of your life and shows you how to deal with it, out of your genuine attention. In the first place, this is about you fully recognising the incredible pain caused by the current circumstances; of how bloody awful it is that this damned coronavirus crisis brings so much hassle just now. And this is also about being understanding and kind, to yourself and others; the current circumstances are huge…

What is the difference with problem focused mourning? The next step.

Instead of allowing yourself to get into analysis paralysis, you start a solution focused exploration by taking a close look at the factual reality underlying your emotions:

• What do I want to be different (now that I am mourning)?
• To what do I need to face up?
• What ‘Best Memories’ do I want to cherish?
• How can these ‘Best Memories” help me to deal constructively with the loss?
• What difference will that make?
• How am I going to do that?
• What worked in the past?
• What small steps can I take, taking into account the current situation?
• And what else?

In my job as a horse assisted solution focused coach, I deliberately stay close to nature and continuously look for processes that could be helpful for humans, too. In nature, factual reality rules. Once I witnessed an agitated mare galloping repeatedly between her dead foal and the herd, a herd that was continuing its journey. After a while, she stayed with the herd and didn’t return to her foal. After all, staying with the dead foal would have endangered her own life.

It is not my intent to analogise between the emotions of animals and emotions of people. This is also definitely not a plea to rationalise emotions in a grieving process. On the contrary, emotions are of utmost importance! I do want to invite you not to get stuck in emotions and to continuously – certainly in these coronavirus times – stay attuned to the factual reality (the circumstances) to find what is still possible.

My choice for the verb ‘to find’ (instead of ‘to search’) is a conscious choice. A solution focused choice. After all, if you want to find something, you believe it might actually be there. If you search for something, that belief is not always there.

I wish everyone who is currently going through a grieving process much courage to keep on finding a way – your way – to strike a balance between emotions and factual reality.

Take care…

Wendy Van den Bulck

Living a nomadic life in the wild, horses always travel to more or less the same grass areas. After all, there is a high chance that there will be good grass and herbs where they previously found good grass and herbs. If on the way a passage they used to take is blocked by uprooted trees, they will stick to their direction and act according to their inner GPS. They will find an alternative route on their radar (alertness) and take it. It is what it is. And what you do with it.

In your work context, how do you handle things that don’t go according to (your) plan? How often do you keep on trying to take a familiar road that is currently blocked? In which situations could looking for alternative routes make a difference? For you? For others?

I regularly post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and on www.connective-clarity.org ) . I am curious to find out what your reflections are, to what actions this might inspire you. Do you join in?

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #seemoreoptions #findwaystomakethingswork

I invite you to make a clear distinction between telling a story and delivering a message. Stories are mostly about the past or about the future. You can’t go back to your past, you can’t change anything about it and you can’t check anymore what reality was like exactly back then. You also can not foresee the reality of your future, you can only tell stories about your expectations. Your past and your future are shaped by your stories.

In working with horses, you don’t become meaningful by telling a story. You need to deliver a clear message.

Wouldn’t it be helpful if also in your organisation the distinction was made between telling colourful stories and delivering clear messages? Can you imagine what difference this would make?

I regularly post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and on www.connective-clarity.org ) . I am curious to find out what your reflections are, to what actions this might inspire you. Do you join in?

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #tellingastoryordeliveringamessage

Horses constantly provide clarity in every aspect of their communication. People need conscious actions to get there: CHECKING & DESCRIBING.  Checking (“Do I hear you say that…?”) and describing (“Do I notice some doubt in your answer?”) are critical conditions for good understanding and essential keys for conversation partners when taking responsibility for delivering and receiving clear messages. Checking and describing will turn ‘layers’ of judgements, interpretations, emotions, assumptions and scenarios) into feasible information that is needed to get attuned to your conversation partner(s). This turns them into solution focused actions.

What do you do when a message you get is not completely clear to you? And when the message you give appears to be understood differently from what you intended?

How explicitly do you check for clarity? And how often do you bring in descriptions of (non-)verbal behaviour in your conversations?

I regularly post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and on www.connective-clarity.org ) . I am curious to find out what your reflections are, to what actions this might inspire you. Do you join in?

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #checking&describing

Right’ and ‘wrong’ originate when you see your perspective as the truth. ‘Right’ aligns with how you see things, ‘wrong’ is what is different from your view. This often leads to communication between the layers (of judgements, emotions, interpretations, assumptions, scenarios), causing irritation and (open or underlying) conflicts.

When ‘right or wrong’ becomes ‘different’ out of the mindset, “Interesting!”, differences suddenly become enriching. Everything then turns into information, an endless pallet of options, out of which you can co-create by making choices.

How do you make use of the richness of differences? In your team? In your organisation? In your private life?

I regularly post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and on www.connective-clarity.org ) . I am curious to find out what your reflections are, to what actions this might inspire you. Do you join in?

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #therichnessofdifferences #differentinsteadofrightorwrong

Did you know that you dispose of a mindset that can help you to act rather than to react?… The key to safety and sensible energy expenditure is the mindset, “Interesting!”, that horses use to connect with their surroundings and with situations that occur in their surroundings.  Being prey animals, horses take good care of their energy: they do what is needed, when it is needed and in the dosage that is needed. If in nature they were to flee every time they saw a predator, they would waste a lot of energy. After all, not all predators hunt every day. Before they act, horses explore (“Interesting!”) what action is required.

For people, the mindset, “Interesting!” is an antidote to reacting automatically from their ‘layer’ of judgements, interpretations, emotions, assumptions, and scenarios.

The mindset of, “Interesting!” helps you to think, “That is different” instead of, “That is right or wrong”? Can you imagine what difference this would make?

Every week I post a quote out of my book “Connective Clarity. When Horses Invite You to Take up Authentic, Solution Focused Leadership” (available on Amazon and on www.connective-clarity.org ) . I am curious to find out what your reflections are, to what actions this might inspire you. Do you join in?

#ConnectiveClarity #SolutionFocus #AuthenticLeadership #HorsePower #actinsteadofreact #themindsetInteresting